Fatherhood as a Crucible of Christian Virtue Formation

It's not the only way for a man to grow in Christ-like character, but it's certainly one of the best

I’ve heard many a pastor over the years commend fatherhood as more or less the essence of the Christian masculinity.

On one level, this is a bit overstated. Both Jesus and Paul were single and celibate. What is more Jesus seemed (rhetorically, at least) to downplay, even denigrate, the centrality of what we today call the nuclear family in favor of the new “family” of his followers and disciples (Matt 8:18–22, 12:46–50, 19:10–12; Luke 14:26, 20:34–36). Paul also expresses a pretty strong preference for singleness, though he explicitly stops short of saying it is wrong to marry (1 Cor 7:8, 7:25–40). At the same time, Jesus welcomes children (Mark 10:13–16) and affirms the divine origin/regulation of marriage (Matt 19:1–9). The Pauline literature also holds marriage in high regard and offers instructions for both husband and wives (e.g. Eph 5:21–33), as well as specific references to the rearing of children (Eph 6:4; Col 3:21).

So, as an important proviso, I would caution against the American Christian (and Protestant) tendency to fixate on marriage and family, making them more central to Christian discipleship than they actually are, at least in the New Testament.

This being said, I struggle to think of a better context for men in particular to grow into genuine, fulsome Christian virtue than the daily engagement in the calling and task of fatherhood.

I often tell young(er) men that getting married will reveal to them just how selfish they are. Then, after that first layer has been revealed, having a child will really show them how selfish they are. Responsibility for and commitment to the well-being of others (whether a spouse or children) is a radically transformative process of virtue formation for those willing to receive it. Ancient philosophers (e.g. the Stoics, whose height of influence was roughly contemporary with the early Christians) would often identify virtue as the highest good, the thing most worth pursuing and cultivating in oneself. Similarly, the New Testament commends a vision of life-long conforming to God’s excellence (Gk: ἀρετή, arete, ‘virtue’) by the power of the Spirit.

Perhaps no Christian virtue list is more famous than the one given by Paul in Galatians chapter 5, commonly known as the Fruit of the Spirit. And in a moment where men of upstanding, unassailable character seem so lacking, a reorientation towards virtue seems necessary in our collective consciousness. So, to round out this post, let’s take a quick walk through these virtues and note how being a dad offers ample opportunity to grow in them.

The Fruits of Fatherhood

St. Thomas Aquinas famously defined love as willing the good of the other. And what calling is there more clear than fatherhood that models one’s obligation to seek the good of another’s well being? Even spousal love lacks the clarity of self-giving on display in fatherhood/motherhood. Husband-wife relationships are much more competitive by nature, and the relative level of independence from one another creates more opportunities, of a sort, for love to be mutual––you scratch my back; I scratch yours. Love for children, by contrast, is distilled, filtered out. We love and serve our children because they need us to love and serve them, and they are often uniquely unable to give us anything in return. Oftentimes, this is precisely the type of love that the Christian faith calls us to live out.

Children also afford their fathers an exposure to the exuberance of joy that dwells only in the heart and body of a child. From the simple pleasure of “Daddy, throw me up in the air” (a request from my three year old just this afternoon), to reliving with your kids the “first-time” experience of your own childhood favorite films, to a child’s awe and wonder at the world, to the uncontrollable giggle of a little boy in a wrestling match with his dad––children give us a renewed experience of joy that many men are sorely lacking in their adult life.

One of the most publicized symptoms of the male crisis in our culture is the sharp increase in depression among men––tragically ending far too often in so-called “deaths of despair” from suicide or substance abuse. The joylessness of many men has become a matter of life and death. Now I’m not suggesting that simply having a child is some sort of panacea for or foolproof inoculation against depression. Still, the joy that children bring to their fathers is good medicine in a world that often conspires to steal men’s joy.

Children also need the stability and structure––the peace––that a good father must learn to provide. Becoming a father, then, ideally incentivizes a man to mature out of the more wild (and at times chaotic) existence of young male adulthood. If you’re regularly staying up until 2am gaming or drinking with your buddies as a single man in your 20s, you can maintain the illusion that this behavior will not have negative consequences. But if you try this as a father of three kids, your wife and children will immediately suffer.

It is of course intuitive that fathering requires patience. But my younger self couldn’t have anticipated just how much patience is required to be a non-reactive, non-explosive dad to a gaggle of kids under 10. Your kids will provoke you to anger like you’ve never been provoked, and patience is the virtue required to not let that anger get the better of you.

Kindness in scripture is often closely related to mercy, and being a dad takes the wisdom of knowing when to be firm, structured, and unbending, as well as when to extend mercy, grace, and kindness. Kindness also signifies that warmth of relationship required for cultivating deep connections with your kids as they grow older. A kind father is a constant source of comfort for his kids; the opposite a constant source of pain.

The apparently all-encompassing virtue of goodness (Gk: ἀγαθωσύνη, agathosyne) is actually closely related to generosity and beneficence. Being “good” to your kids means being willing to part with your abundance, such as it may be, and provide for them generously, even extravagantly. Goodness means a ready to divest yourself of what might be technically “yours” and freely give from your self and your means to bless others. One of the most simple ways fatherhood constantly requires generosity of me is in relation to my time. Kids are nothing if not a source of constant interruption and neediness. Good and generous fatherhood implies a willingness to allow for, even welcome those interruptions.

Perhaps nowhere in life are the stakes higher for faithfulness than in a father’s relationship to his kids. Study after study has been showing us that fatherlessness and father absence are an absolute scourge on our culture and society. You would struggle to name a greater and more pervasive predictor of negative life outcomes for kids than father absence. Love demands that men stay. And the promise to stay––to remain faithful to your kids and to their mother––is the greatest test of faithfulness that many men will face.

Also, for men to be good stewards of their larger and stronger bodies, it is often of the utmost importance that they learn the habit and virtue of gentleness. And perhaps nothing can serve as a better crash course in gentleness than being one of the adults responsible for a tiny, impossibly vulnerable, seven-pound newborn. Likewise––in caring for their kids, tending to their needs, giving discipline––a father must learn quickly, and more and more, to be gentle with those with whom he shares a home.

Finally, the cultivation of any virtue requires self-mastery, the control of one’s vicious impulses––be they of anger, lust, impatience, gluttony, substance abuse. A man who is not in the lifelong process of learning to control himself in this regard, will be constantly hampered in his ability to be a good father to his children.

Higher Reward, Higher Risk

As you may have noticed, the intersection of these virtues (or their mirrored vices) and fatherhood is high stakes. For some, being a father affords more opportunities to form these habits, which can create a rewarding and life-giving circle of growth both for the father and the child. However, a failure to cultivate any one of these virtues can prove disastrous. Surely virtue formation is a lifelong project, one that begins long before a man becomes a father. And, importantly, children are not guinea pigs on which an aspiring but not yet virtuous man can spend his worst immature impulses on the way towards a stronger character. Still, I struggle to think of a better proving ground for the male character, the Christian virtue, we are sorely lacking in this moment.

For this reason alone––and of course a thousand others beside––fatherhood is much to be commended to men. A single, uncommitted, life can very easily become a life characterized by laziness, irresponsibility, and vice. The path towards virtue is often charted through fatherhood. And the path to becoming a good father requires constant growth in virtue.